Over the years I have kept a list of the three worst movies I have ever seen, always updated them when I watched something that was bad enough to go into the list and I feel like I should explain them to you.
The third worst movie I have ever seen is called the Cell. It’s an art-wank-fest of a movie starring Jennifer Lopez. I’ll never forget walking out of the cinema feeling stunned that so much money could be injected into something so worthless.
The second worst movie was American Cyborg: Steel Warrior. How do I explain it? Surely the name says it all. I was around 14 when I watched it. Myself and two of my mates Dougie and Tommy headed to the video store to pick up some movies. We all grabbed one and promised to watch each others movies…Dougie picked this one. Dougie I still hate the fact you made me watch this film. An immortal killer robot is trying to kill the only fertile woman on the planet…says it all really!
The worst movie I have ever seen is called Return of The Roller Blade Seven. It’s about a roller blading dude with a sword who fights evil ninjas and punks. Seriously. Can you believe that.Have a watch of the trailer and you will understand:
Today I move all of these movies into the fourth, fifth and sixth slots and offer up Sucker Punch onto the podium for first, second and third spots.
I have never in all of my years of watching movies seen such a waste of money and time thrown on to the screen.
It was a diabolical mess.
A turgid piece of digital scrap.
How the fuckbuckets this movie got approved I will never fucking know. I hope this films dies a death of a thousand cuts in the cinema and that this man never makes another movie again.
Fuck you Zack Snyder.
Your movie has no direction, no pace and a script that feels like it was shat out of an elephant that was suffering from chronic constipation,
No matter how the bad the film I have usually been able to at least sympathise or empathise with one character. Not with this piece of shit. I was sitting in the movie trying to balance my bank account in my head just to stop me from falling asleep.
I don’t know if you know the script so I’ll sum it up quickly:
Girl ends up in an asylum
The entire set changes because she imagines herself in a brothel
Whenever she dances in the brothel she ends up in some CGI war-fest
Imagine Inception meets Killzone 3 meets Chicago meets The Return of the Roller Blade Seven and you may be on your way to understanding it. What is even scary is that people on IMDB are actually rating this film up claiming, and I shit you not, that ‘Think of it as stylized parable about repression, personal will and sacrifice. Because sooner or later after all the negative backlash and reviews blow by those emotional messages will be all that will be left.’
Now the reviewer there is obviously clinically insane because the movie was not about any of those things. It was just about one man who without good source material created a vacuous piece of pure and utter rubbish.
This film is not engaging.
This film is not entertaining.
Please do not spend any money on this film as it will only make him make more movies – AND WE DON’T WANT THAT!!!
And this man is now working on pre-production of the new Superman movie…Hollywood is now dead to me.