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Why the Man of Steel is not a Superman movie

In Lessons,Life,Movies on July 2, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , ,

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

If you have any care or desire to see Man of Steel then please do not read any further. If you have seen it or you don’t want to see it then feel free to keep reading.

I love Superman. I love the ethos that surrounds him.

He is everything good in all of us.

And Zack Snyder took that away.

He took away the core of Superman. He took away decades of writing. He took away the very being of what makes Superman super. Superman is more human than any of us. That’s the point of him. His humanity is his strength. His power comes from his desire to be more human than human. And it seem that the writers and producers and director of Man of Steel had no idea about that.

I watched Superman the movie when I was a child and I told my parents I wanted to be a journalist because of Superman. I wanted to be able to connect with him. I saw a man on the screen and in my comics who was all powerful but became a journalist because he knew he could still help people doing his daily job to fit in.

I became a journalist. I did my time. I worked as one for over a decade and helped keep schools and hospitals open. I fought the good fight when I could and I still like to think I do.

So where do my issues with Man of Steel begin?

How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.

There is no humour except some bizarre addition in the last scene. What the fuck. Superman is supposed to be colourful not gray, deep dark blue, dark red and black.

Lois Lane finds out Superman’s identity over the course of what seems like a week even though it would be near impossible to link all the incidents.

Superman spills every secret to her in seconds of meeting her.

Lois then decided to not tell anyone anything.

Superman spends 33 years absorbing the sun’s rays which absorb the energy to give him his strength. Zod and his followers get all the powers in the space of five seconds.

If General Zod is such a fucking amazing military genius born into being the greatest warrior that Krypton has ever seen then why does Jor-El, a fucking scientist, hand him his ass in the first five minutes of the movie?

A terraforming world builder? Really? Just so happen there was one lying around?

Why the fuck was the phantom zone linked to the planet’s death? It’s a dimension. They are trapped there. It’s not a place manufactured by Krypton and their wee machine? Pretty shit decision to send all prisoners to a place and if you destroy that machine they all come back.

Why the fuck did the Colonel in the Air Force let Lois Lane on the aircraft near the end and why the fuck did he even fly it. It’s well below his pay grade to be doing that shit.

You don’t simply decide to be a journalist and then end up working for one of the biggest papers in the world. What about his time at the paper in Smallville? What about his articles he wrote around the globe? None of that in this movie. Just day one here’s a job.

If you see a A-10 Thunderbolt unleash it’s GAU-8 Avenger cannon (4,200 rounds per minute of 30mm pure death) into a bloke standing in the street and he doesn’t flinch the 9mm rounds from your assault rifle will not do fuck all to it.

Superman could simply have used his heat vision to destroy the terraforming machine from space.

Superman kisses Lois when no doubt thousands are dying trapped in building.

Superman pauses way too often when he would be in action.

Superman would never fight anyone in the street when he could take the battle to a field or somewhere where no humans could be harmed. The only people he protected was a girl he just met and a four people in a train station at the end. That was it.

But ultimately the worst problem with the movie is one thing.

Superman does not kill. Seeing Superman kill someone broke my heart. It broke every part of my 34 years of love for Clark Kent/Superman and it has left me with an empty feeling. I remember when Clark lost his life in Death of Superman. I cried reading that comic when his punch takes down Doomsday but Doomsday’s final punch kills him.

Clark never kills. Superman never kills.

And for that Zack Snyder and David Goyer and Christopher Nolan you showed that you have no idea who Superman is or what he represents and I hate the three of you for taking something about humanity and who we are and reversing the very core of it.

He doesn’t kill. He protects.

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My Cinema Rules

In Friends,Lessons,Life,Movies on February 9, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , , , ,

I love this cinema. I love sitting down in a big cinema packed with people all enjoying the same flick. When I was a young lad my dad used to take me to the local ‘flea pit’ cinema in Dennistoun just outside of Glasgow city centre. The floor was sticky with the residue of sweet popcorn and the gloop of spilled Cola.

As I got older myself and my mates would go to the cinema every single Saturday morning and see two movies. We had a special P days.

Pictures, pool, pizza, pissed. I miss the P days.

But we always had our rules for the cinema. So here to continue my long, dull list of life rules are my cinema rules.

1. Stay away from the aisles, stay as close to the centre as is possible and keep the hell away from the first three rows – only people with extreme short sightedness should go there.

2. Food should be silent. Tacos? out! Crisps? out! (well unless you open the pack, silently retrieve one and then place it on your tongue to melt. Soft drinks are fine but never slurp that last little bit. The slurping is bad. This will take people out of the movie and into the bottom of your cup.

3. I tend to always book my tickets well in advance. Too many times in my life have I turned up at the cinema only to see that SOLD OUT flashing on the screen.

4. When I’m choosing my cinema I try to stay away from the beaten track and head on nights where I believe it will be quiet. Mondays, Wednesday and Sundays are my favourite nights. Friday is couple night and canoodling is rife and Saturday is date night where new relationships are formed by talking…in the cinema.

5. Which is where the next rule comes in. Talking. Shush. I believe you can talk during trailers and adverts. Hell talk as much as you want during the adverts mainly to sit there and go ‘I miss the Bacardi ad’ (the Scottish version but couldn’t find it). But as soon as that movie begins then its shush time. But I believe when that film starts I always shut up and enjoy.

6. Phones are similar to talking. I have no problems with checking Facebook or Twitter before the movie starts during trailers and ads but again don’t check it till the movie finishes. I hate seeing that flash of light when someone takes their phone out during the film.

7. Arrive on time – especially if it is pre-booked seating with allocated numbers. Look I get that people can be late but I always get there on time and get seated before the movie starts. I hate it when people stamp all over you to get to their seat after the film has started.

8. If I’m meeting my friends at the cinema and they have been kind enough to book tickets then I always get there with plenty of time. It’s pretty rude to turn up one minute to the movie starting leaving all your friends waiting on you and not in their seats. It’s even worse if the tickets don’t have allocated seating.

8. I always hit the gents before the movie and empty the old (and getting older) bladder. That way I don’t miss any of the movie and I also don’t annoy people by stepping over people.

9. I hate it when people kick the chair in front of them. It’s not nice on a plane and it’s not nice in the cinema. So don’t. Seriously. Just don’t do it.

Well there you have it My Cinema Rules for a pleasant, enjoyable night at the movies without irritating or annoying anyone around you and if we all follow these rules then everyone will have a very pleasant time at the pics.

The End

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So I once met Darth Vader

In Lessons,Life,Movies on September 19, 2011 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , ,

I have a story to tell and one that I have just been reminded about after a conversation with my parents in a bid to embarrass me in front of my other half.

I once met Darth Vadar.

Well, actually, that’s a complete lie. I once saw Darth Vader.

Let me explain.

When I was five my dad took me to see Star Wars. The moment the Star Destroyer takes over the whole of the screen took my young breath away and gave me my love of cinema and movies. That point where the battle kicks off in the Corellian Corvette as the Rebels fight the Stormtroopers made my young eyes pop and then suddenly, there on screen was the most terrifying image to haunt a young kids brain – Darth Vader.

All black, with bleeping lights, and a voice that penetrated a five year old to the core scaring me so much. On the giant screen in the Dennistoun cinema in Glasgow my young heart skipped a beat and the most evil man in the universe walked on.

The next time you see him he is choking someone. Chocking them to death!

Then he chokes someone without even touching them. He had the mother-fucking force!!

Darth Vader

So two years later I go to an event in Glasgow with my parents. It was a home event showing off new things for the decade – the 80s!

I remember holding on to my dad’s hand when he said: “Scott look, there’s Darth Vader”

I froze.

I was six.

I was terrified.

It was Darth Vader.

He was flanked by two Stormtroopers.

IT WAS DARTH VADER!

I did what any normal boy aged six who had watched the most evil man in the Galaxy kill people with his hands.

I ran.

I ran for my life. I kept running till my dad caught me and asked what was wrong and I said: “He’s the scariest man in the Universe!!.”

My dad told me it was just a movie and that I shouldn’t be scared and that was just a man in a suit (it actually was David Prowse though so that was Darth Vader) and I calmed down.

So yeah, I never met Darth Vader but I saw him and he scared me … a lot.

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New (and old) beers

In Alcohol,Life,Movies on September 14, 2011 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

The other night I bought some new beers and decided to do some writing about them. What is life without experimentation!

I drank all these beers the other night while watching Lethal Weapon. That amazing 80s classic and it shall be my next blog post!!

Bullocks – Tis a pilsner from the Snowy Mountains. All I know about that area is that it may have snow and may also be a mountain range. But I’m in Australia so I’m not sure if they are lying cause this country seems to have nothing but sunshine. But back to the beer…it’s inoffensive but at the same time it’s not that unique. It’s crisp but not sharp. It’s actually a hard to describe beer because you could probably drink it all night and not be offended yet at the same time it’s not the beet you would choose as your first drink. It’s way better than your normal Aussie beers and it’s well priced so I suggest grabbing a bottle and giving it a go. Here’s the weird thing about this beer when you drink it and swallow it doesn’t feel like you actually swallowed anything. Weird huh.

Stiegl Pils – Here we have a classic Austrian pils. It’s hoppy but not too strong while being nice enough to sit in the palette and dance a waltz across your tongue. This beer is from Salzburg (which means Salt City) which is the birthplace of a little known composer called Mozart. Like the man himself this beer is a classic. It builds itself up as you drink it, the first sip plays lightly on the tongue and as you take your second swig it feels faster and more powerful and as you keep drinking towards the end of the bottle you feel the crescendo building and warming you up. It’s a beer the man himself would be proud of.

Altenmünster – Yeah I know it sounds lie Allen’s Munster but it’s not. It’s not a monster of a beer at all. It’s a Bavarian bier that’s quite average to be honest. Its a bit dull, a bit hoppy and has an aftertaste that I can best describe as the morning after sleeping with a regret. It’s basically the Carlton Draft of Bavaria by the taste of it. My recommendation would be to avoid. Actually my recommendation would be to ask your local stockiest to stop stocking it and get some good beers in.

Chimay (yellow label) – Small yet powerful. This potent beer lies dormant like a ninja waiting to strike. It is deceptive and three of these in an hour will mess you up like 10 minutes in an MMA tournament. It tastes like a liquid cigar only instead of smoke rings you kinda do burp rings. It’s gassy and made originally by a bunch of monks who must have spent their entire life pissed and laughing with each other…unless it was a silent order in which case the only sounds would be the moaning of morning hangovers. You should try all the different Chimay’s. They rock. And Roll. Honestly, they are like little brown hand grenades of brain destruction. Handle with care.

Grolsch – The imported shit with the cool flip top lid not the locally made gash that tastes like a pair of socks you have worn for six days while jogging non-stop. Please don’t ask me how I know this. This shit is constantly good. You know this and I know this. It’s a beer that no matter where you go in the world the moment you see that flip-top lid you know you are in for a good experience. This beer is like the person who you always went back to when you were both out of relationships. It’s a safe beer. It’s a beer so safe that it should be behind a painting in a study.

So any new beers you’ve tried recently that you’d like to share?

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BTTF Sneakers!!! YES!!!!!!

In Life,Movies,Technology on September 9, 2011 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

Today I had a dream realised and then a dream taken away.

Funny how life does that sometimes.

This may seem like a post all about material goods but the truth is that i saw Back to the Future 2 when I was 15. Like every teenager who saw that movie we all came away with the same thoughts.

And it wasn’t flying cars.

And it wasn’t holographic adverts

And it wasn’t engines that run on garbage.

It was hover boards and power trainers.

And now FOUR years before the movie was set (2015) one of the two are out.

Look at this:

And this!!!

And with every glimpse I take. Every longing look I give them. Every childhood moment that screams inside of me that I want to own a pair and strut around in them I know that I will never own a pair.

Instead when I turn on the TV I will see a bunch of rappers and celebs wearing them.

You see Nike has decided to auction off all 1,500 pairs of these amazing BTTF trainers/sneakers (depends where you are in the world) on eBay.

Evil right? Cause that means it will be impossible to pick up a pair for less than $10,000.

Only it’s not evil. It’s wonderful.

You see they have teamed up with Michael J. Fox and his Parkinson’s charity and all profits after Nike take back their costs will go to the charity – http://www.michaeljfox.org/

And Sergey Brin and Anne Wojcicki have said they will match all of the combined bids up to the tune of $50million.

How fucking awesome is that?

So dear celebs, rappers, multi-millionaires please go bid. Bid your ass off. Bid till your mouse finger hurts. Get the total to $50million and watch $100million get donated to help people with Parkinson’s and let the future be without people suffering from it.

And if you can’t afford the trainers and want to help out why not donate to the charity instead 🙂

Update: They don’t have powerlaces!!! But that just means they are trainers that light-up. They’ve been around for AGES!

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Green Lantern

In Lessons,Life,Movies on August 17, 2011 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , ,

I read the reviews for Green Lantern and felt sad that one of the movies I had waited near a lifetime to see was being slammed. Actually that’s me being kind of nice about it all. It has got royally slaughtered.

It took in hardly any cash at the box office – nowhere near the $200m it cost to make it.

As I watched the reviews trundle in and saw the box office receipts I got disheartened. As I waited for the launch in Australian (it was delayed by nearly two months here) I saw people on Twitter slamming it saying it was a poor movie, then I saw the people on the forum I use tearing into it. Sure there was a few people saying they enjoyed it but overall the results were ‘meh’ (which will mean something to someone in the forum if they read this).

As I waited for the release I spent some time reading old Green Lantern comics. Read some of the old classics (the oldest one I own is Number 28 from around 1962 or something like that) followed with some new ones including a dash of Kyle Raynor.

I even went to see Captain America, a movie which I don’t feel deserves its own blog posting because it’s kinda generic and bland and that’s about it. The characterization is ok and the build up is good but the rest is just ‘beat ‘em up, smash ‘em up and blow it up’ stuff.

And so the day came when I went to see Green Lantern.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect.

I like Ryan Reynolds. He’s been good in most movies and he can do serious and comedy. The rest of the cast looked good too but in the back of my mind was that nagging feeling that the movie was gonna be shit.

I was worried it would be like Superman Returns all over again.

I’ve never been happier to be wrong.

I thought it was excellent.

It tackled the core issue of the GL story which is fear v will. It tackled the romance between Hal and Carol. And it tackled the battle of a human thrown into an Intergalactic police force with a distinct view upon the universe.

Ryan Reynolds nailed it as Hal Jordan. He brought my childhood reading comics to life upon the screen and just blew me away. He got the arrogance and the willpower right there on the big screen. He really made it for me.
Sure the movie had faults but Hal Jordan was on the screen for those two hours I watched it and my younger self couldn’t have been happier.

Someday people expect too much from movies but this delivered on every level I wanted it to.

I got to see OA.

I got to see the Green Lanterns in action.

I got to see Hal Jordan using his imagination to full effect with the power of his ring.

I loved it…I really did.

I don’t want to spoil it but if you do go see it please ignore all the negative commentary around the movie and just sit back and have fun. Ignore all those damned comic book movies that take themselves too seriously and watch a real comic brought to life on the big screen.

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Paul: A review

In Life,Movies on April 20, 2011 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , ,

Paul

I wasn’t expecting much going in to see Paul – the new movie from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost – mainly because of some lacklustre reviews and some people claiming that it just didn’t have the get up and go of both Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.

Plus director Edgar Wright was nowhere to be seen.

Now I love Spaced. I mean I love it. It’s probably in my top five TV shows of all time and that includes Buck Rogers (although that may have been because of Command Wilma Deering played by Erin Gray and because I was at a very impressionable time in my life).

Spaced to me says it all about my generation. It’s packed with classic TV show and movie references. It’s incredibly intelligent and doesn’t play down to the audience. And finally it is about the closeness of friendships and the fact that you just don’t know who someone is till you get to know them. Wright directed and honed his geek-style in the series which would benefit him later with Scott Pilgrim V the rest of the World.

Shaun of the Dead was an instant classic. A Rom Zom Com filled with brilliant British actors and nods to so many classic zombie movies.

Hot Fuzz followed with Pegg, Frost and Wright teaming up once more for a buddy cop movie that paid homage to so many classics action movies from the 80s and 90s. I was lucky enough to work on the PR for this movie for Paramount Pictures in Australia and even got to sit down and chat with Pegg for a while discussing movies, games and his love of brilliant Glasgow pubs (his wife is Scottish).

When I first moved to Australia I brought four DVDs and that was two copies of Spaced DVDs just in case one got damaged. The guys signed them for me. One of my prize possessions!

So the build up for a buddy-road movie with Pegg and Frost heading to the fabled Comic-Con (one day I shall attend!!!!) and then visiting some of the America’s favourite UFO hotspots.

However, on their travels they stumble into an alien. Called Paul. Voiced by Seth Rogen.

I had grave reservations for this film. I was sure it would bomb. I was sure that I’d watch it and think that the glory days we over for these guys.

Wooooo, I was wrong!

It was superb. I laughed more times during this movie than any other in the last few years. It’s got so many brilliant uses of awesome sic-fi classic one-liners, great use of the cast, a solid script filled with excellent quotable lines and it has Paul.

Paul rocks. I figured a CGi alien would be a bit poo but I was wrong. Wrong on so many levels. The little guy makes the movie. You can’t help but like how awesome and laid back he is.

I’m so glad I saw this as the next film in the cinema after Sucker Punch as it has restored my faith in the movies.
Thank you Simon and Nick for once more confirming that you guys deserve a special place in the comedy hall of fame.

Oh and remind me some time to tell you about the time I saw a UFO in the UK…

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Sucker Punch

In Digital,Movies,Video Games on April 10, 2011 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , ,

Over the years I have kept a list of the three worst movies I have ever seen, always updated them when I watched something that was bad enough to go into the list and I feel like I should explain them to you.

The third worst movie I have ever seen is called the Cell. It’s an art-wank-fest of a movie starring Jennifer Lopez. I’ll never forget walking out of the cinema feeling stunned that so much money could be injected into something so worthless.

The second worst movie was American Cyborg: Steel Warrior. How do I explain it? Surely the name says it all. I was around 14 when I watched it. Myself and two of my mates Dougie and Tommy headed to the video store to pick up some movies. We all grabbed one and promised to watch each others movies…Dougie picked this one. Dougie I still hate the fact you made me watch this film. An immortal killer robot is trying to kill the only fertile woman on the planet…says it all really!

The worst movie I have ever seen is called Return of The Roller Blade Seven. It’s about a roller blading dude with a sword who fights evil ninjas and punks. Seriously. Can you believe that.Have a watch of the trailer and you will understand:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYkEeFUEqe4&feature=related
Today I move all of these movies into the fourth, fifth and sixth slots and offer up Sucker Punch onto the podium for first, second and third spots.

I have never in all of my years of watching movies seen such a waste of money and time thrown on to the screen.

It was a diabolical mess.

A turgid piece of digital scrap.

How the fuckbuckets this movie got approved I will never fucking know. I hope this films dies a death of a thousand cuts in the cinema and that this man never makes another movie again.

Fuck you Zack Snyder.

Your movie has no direction, no pace and a script that feels like it was shat out of an elephant that was suffering from chronic constipation,

No matter how the bad the film I have usually been able to at least sympathise or empathise with one character. Not with this piece of shit. I was sitting in the movie trying to balance my bank account in my head just to stop me from falling asleep.

I don’t know if you know the script so I’ll sum it up quickly:
Girl ends up in an asylum
The entire set changes because she imagines herself in a brothel
Whenever she dances in the brothel she ends up in some CGI war-fest

Imagine Inception meets Killzone 3 meets Chicago meets The Return of the Roller Blade Seven and you may be on your way to understanding it. What is even scary is that people on IMDB are actually rating this film up claiming, and I shit you not, that ‘Think of it as stylized parable about repression, personal will and sacrifice. Because sooner or later after all the negative backlash and reviews blow by those emotional messages will be all that will be left.’

Now the reviewer there is obviously clinically insane because the movie was not about any of those things. It was just about one man who without good source material created a vacuous piece of pure and utter rubbish.

This film is not engaging.

This film is not entertaining.

Please do not spend any money on this film as it will only make him make more movies – AND WE DON’T WANT THAT!!!

And this man is now working on pre-production of the new Superman movie…Hollywood is now dead to me.

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