kiltforhire

My Elevator Rules. Or Lift Rules.

Or woooo we’re going down really fast rules.

1. Similar to trains I wait till people get out. I also stand quite a way back to allow people to move out of the elevator and get to where they need to go.

2. You know what if the button lights up you don’t have to press it again and again and again. It won’t bring the goddamn lifts down any quicker.

3. Today I watched a guy shove his entire arm into the lift to get in. Seriously, is a minute of your time so precious that it’s worth losing a limb over? If the doors are closing just let it close. No one wants the nickname “liftslice”

4. Conversation. Never discuss anyone you work with or anything to do with work except general stuff. As an ex-journo I can’t tell you how much great info I used to get by simply stepping into lifts and going up and down. People discuss all manner of secret stuff thinking no-one is listening. People are. Shut up!

5. Farting. Don’t. Unless it’s silent and you are out on the next stop and no one you work with is in the lift.

6. If I’m ill I don’t go to work but if you must and you have to use the lift then please don’t sneeze, don’t cough and don’t talk. People deserve not to get your illness. If I’m unwell and have to travel in a lift I stand closest to the door to try and breathe out only when the door opens.

7. I only press the close button when I know no-one was behind me and wanting in the lift. It’s pretty damned rude to close it knowing full well someone is heading to get in the same lift as you.

8. Headphones. See number 9 on My Train Rules.

9. I always let ladies off before me. It’s polite and the right thing to do. If they have a lot of luggage I always ask if I can help carry it. Yes some people look at me like I’m a thief ready to sprint off with their stuff but my mother brought me up to always ask. So I do.

10. Every single elevator I get into I look for another way out should I get stuck. I’ve seen Speed and I’ve seen Die Hard. I know that one day brakes will fail or the lift will get stuck and I’ll be escaping any way I can! I even keep a spare white vest on me just in case I have to take on a bunch of german terrorists determined to rob a multi-national.

11. In a crowded elevator keep your hands to yourself. No brushing against people. That’s perverted. Oh and try to avoid fast head movements. I’ve had one girl flick her hair and it end up in my mouth.

I think that last one is a good one to end it on. Basically it’s a short trip, be polite, be nice, don’t be rude and help people if they need it.