Posts Tagged ‘Spatan Munchen’

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My top five beers

In Alcohol,Lessons,Life on August 19, 2011 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

Let’s get one thing totally straight here. Beer that is meant to be made in other countries should not ever be made in your country because it will probably taste like pure and utter pish.

Let’s take Peroni for instance. In Australia some absolute numpty decided that it would be a fucking awesome idea to bottle Peroni locally. What’s worse is that Peroni liked this idea. Sell the rights they think with none of the bottling hassle but all it does it kill a brand.

I try not to buy Peroni any more simply because it tastes horrible when it is locally made. The local stuff is like someone shitting in cow dung, liquidating it and then flogging it to the public. It’s like a million voices suddenly screamed out and were silenced. It. Is. Total. And. Utter. Fucking. Shite.

I love beer. It’s awesome but I hate generic tasting crap.

And you know what? It’s not hard to get wrong but if you start fucking with perfection you are gonna end up with a total useless piece of piss-water that should be fed only to the idiots who came up with the idea of brewing an awesome beer elsewhere.

In Australia there are a whole bunch of great International beers that are made here and taste all EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME. Peroni, Stella Artois and Becks to name but a few. Hell even Sapporo is made in Canada now.

What kind of mad world are we living in???

To overcome the idiocy let me point you in the direction of some awesome foreign (and local to Aus) beers that you should seek out and enjoy:

Franziskaner – Truly the god of all beers. It tastes like the nape of a thousand beauties. It’s whispering pour can bring grown men to tears and the joy of drinking one will raise you to the zenith of your life. It is a champion. It’s as soft as it is hard. It’s a slightly fruity wheat beer that harks back to the time when men wore armour and destroyed both mythical and religious foes. It is a beer that you should hunt down, propose to and then build a small castle to defend.

Spatan Munchen – This is the beer that you don’t want to marry but want to sleep with and do a whole manner of bad things to. It’s not a beer that wants to be good. It wants to be ‘oh so bad’. It’s light and happy. It sings to you and lures you in like a siren. It loves you and then hates you but you can’t stop loving it. It’s a beer that you can’t rely on but will never give you a hangover unless you fall and smack a bottle over your head.

Duvel – This beer is the person you wish you had never slept with. This is the beer that supplies it’s own beer goggles but Jedi-mind tricks you into not realizing they’re on your face. It tastes like Sith but makes you think of summer days as it slowly slices your leg off and cauterizes the wound at the same time. It’s a dark beer. Oh so dark. It’s like the depth of a well at midnight, as the clouds contain the moon.

Moo Brew – Ok I’m gonna throw an Aussie beer into the mix. This is a Tasmanian beer. Now mainlander Aussies make fun of Tasmanians. To talk to a Scottish person I would say that Tasmanian are to mainlanders what Aberdonians are to Glaswegians. However, I know many from Tasmania and each and every single one of them are amazing. They are some of the best people I have ever met in my life and I cannot imagine my life without them in it. Now, to the beer. I’ve drank a few versions of this beer including the Pilsner (which rocks) and the Hefeweizen (which is the best beer I’ve had in Australia) and the Pale Ale. Trust me that you should seek out any and all of these beers and try them. You owe it to yourself, to your parents and to anyone you have ever loved.

77 Lager – This is a beer by the legendary team at Brew Dog in Scotland. These guys make beers so epic that imbibing their golden liquid make you feel like you are heading out on adventure to save not only the Princess, but the her twin sisters, her mum, their pet Platypus and two small gecko’s called Thunder and Horace. The 77 Pils is my personal beer of choice from their range because it is so clean a taste it feels like you’ve just gotten back from a dental visit where she used a transporter to zap away any plaque. It’s so crisp that merely opening a bottle causes tiny invisible avalanches all across the world. And it’s so tasty that Tibetan Monks hand-glide to the UK just try some.

Anyway that’s just a quick guide to some of my favourite beers. Feel free to add some of your own so that I may try them out.

Cheers!