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My Elevator Rules

In Lessons, Life, Work on February 13, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , ,

My Elevator Rules. Or Lift Rules.

Or woooo we’re going down really fast rules.

1. Similar to trains I wait till people get out. I also stand quite a way back to allow people to move out of the elevator and get to where they need to go.

2. You know what if the button lights up you don’t have to press it again and again and again. It won’t bring the goddamn lifts down any quicker.

3. Today I watched a guy shove his entire arm into the lift to get in. Seriously, is a minute of your time so precious that it’s worth losing a limb over? If the doors are closing just let it close. No one wants the nickname “liftslice”

4. Conversation. Never discuss anyone you work with or anything to do with work except general stuff. As an ex-journo I can’t tell you how much great info I used to get by simply stepping into lifts and going up and down. People discuss all manner of secret stuff thinking no-one is listening. People are. Shut up!

5. Farting. Don’t. Unless it’s silent and you are out on the next stop and no one you work with is in the lift.

6. If I’m ill I don’t go to work but if you must and you have to use the lift then please don’t sneeze, don’t cough and don’t talk. People deserve not to get your illness. If I’m unwell and have to travel in a lift I stand closest to the door to try and breathe out only when the door opens.

7. I only press the close button when I know no-one was behind me and wanting in the lift. It’s pretty damned rude to close it knowing full well someone is heading to get in the same lift as you.

8. Headphones. See number 9 on My Train Rules.

9. I always let ladies off before me. It’s polite and the right thing to do. If they have a lot of luggage I always ask if I can help carry it. Yes some people look at me like I’m a thief ready to sprint off with their stuff but my mother brought me up to always ask. So I do.

10. Every single elevator I get into I look for another way out should I get stuck. I’ve seen Speed and I’ve seen Die Hard. I know that one day brakes will fail or the lift will get stuck and I’ll be escaping any way I can! I even keep a spare white vest on me just in case I have to take on a bunch of german terrorists determined to rob a multi-national.

11. In a crowded elevator keep your hands to yourself. No brushing against people. That’s perverted. Oh and try to avoid fast head movements. I’ve had one girl flick her hair and it end up in my mouth.

I think that last one is a good one to end it on. Basically it’s a short trip, be polite, be nice, don’t be rude and help people if they need it.

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My Facebook Rules

In Lessons, Life, Marketing, Media, Social Media, Technology on February 11, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , ,

Following on from My Twitter Rules here are my Facebook rules. Now where Twitter is about conversations with anyone about everything Facebook is slightly different. It’s where people from your past and your present all get together and update their lives, interact and chat but in a more reserved way.

I have a love and hate relationship with Facebook. I enjoy seeing what my friends are up to and it’s nice to get snapshots of home and lives that I’m no longer fully part of but on the other hand there are a lot of people who use it as if it was their personal diary and that just isn’t for me.

The rules aren’t for everyone and I totally get that every person uses their Facebook differently but these are my rules that I generally stick to when using it.

1. Spam. I hate it. You hate it. We all hate it. You remember those days when you would get chain letters sent by email? We all thought we had got rid of them but we forgot one single thing – some people are dumb and are now using Facebook and failing to do basic checks before diving in and commenting on dumb images and stories which are usually a total piece of shit and full of lies. I never comment on them unless it’s to point them to Snopes however I have since realised that by even getting involved other people who follow me may now see it and, well, stuff that. So now I ignore.

2. I try and post between three to five times a week. On the odd occasion I post maybe once or twice in a day and on a rare occasion three time. I don’t believe you should fill up other people’s feeds with constant up to the minute running feeds of your life. I ain’t that important and neither are you so let’s not annoy too many people.

3. When it comes to pics of my friends I have a really simply rule. I never ever tag a friend in a picture if I think it is unflattering. If you tag it it appears on their wall and if ain’t a good pic then I don’t want to make them look bad. They are my friends and they always look good to me so I don’t see why other shouldn’t see them in any other light than when they are at their most awesome.

4. If you want to play games on Facebook that’s just great but I don’t. And therefore you will never get a game invite from me and I’d really appreciate if you didn’t ever send me a damned invite for a game. Please don’t. I’m sick of them. I’m a gamer and I have an Xbox and a Wii U and a PC and an iPad all for gaming but Facebook is not a gaming platform for me and I simply don’t give a rat’s arse about any of them.

5. Hashtags in Facebook. Leave them over on Twitter please. Thanks. Appreciate it.

6. I do believe that Facebook is a place for long updates as opposed to Twitter 140 characters. I have no problem with that. Write away. I usually do. Sometimes people even have to click the little blue button to read all of my update.

7. Baby pics. I am delighted when my friends have babies. It’s wonderful. Especially my friends Alan and Lesley who have gorgeous triplets but you don’t need to share 8000 pictures each and every day. Next time you want to take a spree of pics and post them why not pick up your kid and give them a hug. I have to admit I’m really lucky that the majority of my friends with kids at the moment do a great job of limiting the pics but I have seen overkill in the past.

8. It’s called Facebook not Facesbook. Leave your profile pic as just you and don’t have you AND your other half. C’mon we don’t need to be reminded how much you both love each other every single day. And if you really have to use a pic like that please don’t make it one where you are expressing your tonguitude into them.

9. I never upload funny pics and tag my friends. Personally I think it’s rude to do that. There really is no need for it.

10. Ultimately I try to be considerate. I don’t really post anything inflammatory. I don’t flood people’s timeline with funny images. I don’t pester people and I do like things that I genuinely like. I don’t click on something for no reason.

11. Comment. Getting involved in your friend’s lives is important. If someone has put up a good status update that I’ve enjoyed then I’m not afraid to get involved in a chat or discussion about whatever the post is about.

12. I try and be funny when I post. If I can make one of my friend’s smile then it’s all worth while.

13. I’m happy to unfriend someone if they are being horribly racist, sexist, vile or downright intolerable. I’m also happy to add new people who I’ve met online who I believe will add a little bit of colour to my life.

Looking at this list some are rules and some are things I avoid doing but I think you kinda get the gist of where I’m coming from. Similar to My Twitter Rules I believe that you should always hover before posting to think about what you are saying and if you are happy with it slamming into 200+ people’s feeds.

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Marginal Improvement and big thinking

In Digital, Lessons, Life, Marketing, Work on February 10, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

This is a post about marginal improvement and my recent list of rules

I’ve had a few people chat to me about my recent bunch of rules I’ve posted and have been saying that life needs fewer rules or that they thought I used to be a rebel would would always break the rules so I thought I would explain.

I’ve already posted these:

My Twitter Rules

My Train Rules

My Cinema Rules

And I’m currently working on a set for Facebook, LinkedIn, Vine, beach, elevators, escalators and more.

However, what I want to say is that they are more guidelines than rules. I follow the majority of them most of the time and I try to do what I can to be considerate to others. The guidelines or there just as a reference that if we all did all them well maybe, just maybe, the world would be a little bit of a better place.

Which brings me to marginal improvement. I’ve recently taken an interest again in economics (yeah I know who would have believed I would start enjoying that stuff all over again) and have been devouring podcasts on them.

The ‘Team GB’ cycling team in the UK won so many Gold Medals thanks to the their Head of Marginal Improvement, Mr Matt Parker. There is a good article on him here.

Basically he looked at how he could help increase the team’s performance marginally. Just a tad. Just enough to make them a little bit better. For instance he made the team where heated shorts before races to stop the players muscles going cold. The only team who did this were Team GB and I have no doubt at the next Olympics all cyclists will have toasty legs.

Now normally I’m the kind of guy who likes to take risks and who isn’t afraid to speak out. I’m always willing to go for the long shot and see how it pans out and I dream big – however I see that one of the best ways to dream big is to start small and that is with marginal improvements.

I’ve been re-focussing how I work by seeing which small things I can change and what things I can do that will make a small but important change in delivery and result and so far, so good.

I realise that you need a mix of marginal improvement and long term thinking. You have to dream big but also look for the small things that improve your life and your work marginally because the small things really do make an impact.

I’m not saying that from now on all I’ll be doing is looking for the little wins, oh no, I’ll always be looking to make a big impact but until they pay off I’ll be making small leaps rather than massive bounds.

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This is the future

In Technology on February 10, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , ,

I don’t know if you have heard of something called Ultra-Ever Dry but god damn do I gots to get me some of that.

Now after watching this video and all of its lovely industrial uses it made me think about what I would use it for. I mean this stuff is hydrophobic yeah? It’s scared of water or liquid and tells it to politely bugger off and thus it suddenly lifts itself well out of industrial and straight into consumer in my eyes.

Firstly, I want to coat my windows in this stuff. Not just my car windows although that would be the first thing I would do – no real need for window wipers any more – and second my windows in my apartment so I could always look out and see the world when it’s pissing down (of course all those songs and poems that talk about watching water pour down windows rather than bouncing off may seem outdated).

Next up I would coat my rashie and my beach shorts… can you imagine it? You walk out of the sea and boom you are pretty much dry!

I would suggest that coating your hair may be a bad idea you know cause you won’t ever be able to wash it again till it grows out.

I would coat my trenchoat, my work trousers and my work shoes. So whenever it rains I’ll never really get wet again apart from my hair.

Then I’d coat my football shirt and shorts so I don’t ever have to worry about it getting sweaty or wet when it rains. Now what next I hear you say?

Well I need to check if you can eat off it but if you can then I’m gonna suggest EVERY SINGLE THING IN MY KITCHEN!! Cause then cleaning will take all of thirty seconds. Rinse and clean. Boom!!

I’d love to hear your suggestions as to what you would coat with this crazy future stuff!!??

Articles

My Cinema Rules

In Friends, Lessons, Life, Movies on February 9, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , , , ,

I love this cinema. I love sitting down in a big cinema packed with people all enjoying the same flick. When I was a young lad my dad used to take me to the local ‘flea pit’ cinema in Dennistoun just outside of Glasgow city centre. The floor was sticky with the residue of sweet popcorn and the gloop of spilled Cola.

As I got older myself and my mates would go to the cinema every single Saturday morning and see two movies. We had a special P days.

Pictures, pool, pizza, pissed. I miss the P days.

But we always had our rules for the cinema. So here to continue my long, dull list of life rules are my cinema rules.

1. Stay away from the aisles, stay as close to the centre as is possible and keep the hell away from the first three rows – only people with extreme short sightedness should go there.

2. Food should be silent. Tacos? out! Crisps? out! (well unless you open the pack, silently retrieve one and then place it on your tongue to melt. Soft drinks are fine but never slurp that last little bit. The slurping is bad. This will take people out of the movie and into the bottom of your cup.

3. I tend to always book my tickets well in advance. Too many times in my life have I turned up at the cinema only to see that SOLD OUT flashing on the screen.

4. When I’m choosing my cinema I try to stay away from the beaten track and head on nights where I believe it will be quiet. Mondays, Wednesday and Sundays are my favourite nights. Friday is couple night and canoodling is rife and Saturday is date night where new relationships are formed by talking…in the cinema.

5. Which is where the next rule comes in. Talking. Shush. I believe you can talk during trailers and adverts. Hell talk as much as you want during the adverts mainly to sit there and go ‘I miss the Bacardi ad’ (the Scottish version but couldn’t find it). But as soon as that movie begins then its shush time. But I believe when that film starts I always shut up and enjoy.

6. Phones are similar to talking. I have no problems with checking Facebook or Twitter before the movie starts during trailers and ads but again don’t check it till the movie finishes. I hate seeing that flash of light when someone takes their phone out during the film.

7. Arrive on time – especially if it is pre-booked seating with allocated numbers. Look I get that people can be late but I always get there on time and get seated before the movie starts. I hate it when people stamp all over you to get to their seat after the film has started.

8. If I’m meeting my friends at the cinema and they have been kind enough to book tickets then I always get there with plenty of time. It’s pretty rude to turn up one minute to the movie starting leaving all your friends waiting on you and not in their seats. It’s even worse if the tickets don’t have allocated seating.

8. I always hit the gents before the movie and empty the old (and getting older) bladder. That way I don’t miss any of the movie and I also don’t annoy people by stepping over people.

9. I hate it when people kick the chair in front of them. It’s not nice on a plane and it’s not nice in the cinema. So don’t. Seriously. Just don’t do it.

Well there you have it My Cinema Rules for a pleasant, enjoyable night at the movies without irritating or annoying anyone around you and if we all follow these rules then everyone will have a very pleasant time at the pics.

The End

Articles

My Train Rules

In Lessons, Life on February 7, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , , , ,

My train rules

I have the pleasure of commuting through Sydney on a daily basis. I even get to travel through the heart of the city and over the Harbour Bridge each day. Which makes it feel like you are on holiday (cause I’m from the other side of the world) that is until I get to work and I realize I’m at work and the holiday feeling slowly dissipates and the pops out of existence when I sit at my desk.

Like My Twitter Rules I also have a set of rules for traveling and today I’m going to write about some of my rules for surviving the daily commute on Sydney’s wonderful trains.

1. Buy a monthly or quarterly ticket on a Wednesday. Let’s not mess about here. Monday morning queues are crazy, the machine never works and people are jostling and annoyed. Buying a monthly in the middle of the week means I avoid queues and my life is quieter and easier. Plus they usually have the machine fixed by the Wednesday!

2. Plan your route and your place on the train but remember everyone else is doing this too so the key is to out-think them. I always check where the majority of exits are on my journey (as in when you get off the train where is closest exit). If there is one carriage that doesn’t line up well for any of them I’ll stick with it. Chances are I will get a nice comfy seat and won’t be bothered by people barging into me.

3. I always let people get off the train before I get on. It’s not rocket science. It’s not hard. My rule is don’t be a prick and don’t barge on. It’s rude and you will ruin people’s days and that’s not nice. It also stops me calling you a selfish bawbag.

4. Never break the fourth wall and talk to a pretend camera nearby. This freaks people out. Freaked out people on trains do tend to give you more room but this will also mean you will end up on someone’s Vine or Instagram looking silly.

5. If my train doesn’t have air-conditioning I stay next to the doors. The vents in the doors are pretty much the only way to get any breeze on a hot day. The tiny windows seem to have been designed to tell breezes that they are not wanted in this carriage. “Oh no bugger off breeze,” it says.

6. If I get a seat and it’s comfy and I’m sharing it with someone else I believe you shouldn’t move around too much or whip out a broadsheet newspaper. It’s not a paper to be read without two square miles of space around you.

7. I always get off my seat if someone looks like they need a rest or if they are: disabled, old, infirm, pregnant, a woman, a tired man, a blind person or done up in fancy dress.

8. If someone is being rude don’t be afraid to speak up especially if they are being rude to any of the above list. I’m more than happy to tell someone if they are being obnoxious. If you don’t want any hassle then I suggest moving to a different carriage or area.

9. I always keep my music of podcast at an acceptable level. Personal music should always be personal. Please don’t make me listen to your cover version of Aqua’s “I’m a Barbie Girl”.

10. Be tolerant of everyone especially tourists with bags. These people are visiting your city and you should always set an example and help them if you can. Today in fact I helped an elderly couple take their luggage off the train. They were very pleasant.

Just some of my train rules. If you have any others you want to add then add a comment below.

Articles

My Twitter Rules

In Lessons, Life, Marketing, Media, Social Media, Technology on February 6, 2013 by kiltforhire Tagged: , , , ,

Rules.

We all all live by them. We all have our own code.

Twitter.

It’s the second love of my life. It’s the communications platform I always dreamed of. It gives anyone the ability to talk to anyone else in this world as long as they have a Twitter account. Not once in the history of the world has this been possible. Yet here we are exchanging words across the globe with anyone and everyone.

I’ve been using Twitter for nearly five years. I don’t cheat the system. I don’t play the follow me and I’ll follow you game. But I do reply to nearly everyone who speaks to me – its only polite – and I do hunt out fun and interesting people to talk to because its what makes life interesting.

But you got to have rules and that’s where My Twitter Rules come in to play.

1. If I follow you and you send me an auto-DM then I’ll unfollow. It’s rude to think that because I’ve chosen to engage with you that you suddenly have the right to barge into my life and try to sell me something or direct me to your blog or your website. If it’s in your profile chances are I’ve already looked.

2. If you tweet more than five times in my timeline in less than a minute and it’s not a scream for help because you are in a dire situation the I’ll unfollow you. I follow you because I’m interested in you. I didn’t follow you to know the exact contents of your mind one a second by second basis.

3. I don’t read celebrity gossip. I don’t wait patiently every week to find out which celebrity has been knocked up, divorced, having an affair or simply put on some extra pounds. You know what? I simply don’t care. Everyone deserves their privacy and I’m not a fan of peering into people’s lives through an 800mm lens.

4. Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. Retweet them and I unfollow. I have no desire to know anything about either of those two. Basically I suggest thinking about your followers before you retweet certain things. I always hover for a second and think about my followers before I retweet.

5. Quotes. If you think continually tweeting quotations is cool well that’s just swell however if I want to read quotes the I’ll head on over to one of the million quote pages on the web and read some.

6. Every week I try and find a few people I’ve not engaged with in a while or at all and see what they have to say and try to chat to them. Find something they have said I have found interesting and let them know.

7. If you have connected your account to a site that is sending DMs to me telling me ‘people are saying this about you and has a link’ I’ll DM you back and let you know. You may not know the account is sending on your behalf so it’s only right I let you know.

8. If I have just followed you and we haven’t interacted and you send me a DM asking me to subscribe to your YouTube channel or your blog you can be assured I won’t be visiting your site and I certainly won’t be following you any more.

9. I will block you if you are a troll. I have been abused a few times on Twitter (this one comes to mind!) and I simply won’t put up with you being an asshole. I’ll accept it a few times as you may be having a bad day but if you keep at it it’s block city

I guess they are my standard rules. I’ll probably come back and update when I think of others I use. If you have any rules I’d love to hear them.